Falling off the wagon

Since I started the detox I've been amazed at how little I crave the things I'm not supposed to be eating, especially baked goods, which I normally love on a daily basis. Then today I had to make dinner for a band at work which consisted of beer bread and turkey chili. My favorite part about making beer bread has always been saving a little bit of batter and eating it plain. I don't know why. But even though there's nothing detox-friendly in the batter I thought I'd just treat myself to a little itty-bitty tiny bit. And then it's like a switch flipped in me and I instantly became some sort of crazy bread glutton and dug into the stale Guinness Gouda bread that's been sitting on our counter for the past two weeks. And then I went ahead and washed it down with some turkey chili. Once I regained control I felt so guilty and it all made me wonder if this is how eating disorders begin. I mean once you get in this frame of mind where there's a certain set of rules to follow you inevitably think about it more than you normally would. Then in the back of your mind you begin to form this negative association with certain things, in this case food, and as long as you're following the rules it's fine but as soon as you allow yourself that one little bite all hell breaks loose. I guess there's a part of me that's scared of how I'm going to handle coming off of the detox. I'm afraid I'll gorge myself on all the things I couldn't eat until I'm immobilized by all of the sugar and wine sloshing around inside and then fall into the same cycle of restriction, guilt and disappointment that's part of the reason I wanted to do the detox in the first place.