The Wall

I'm not as overwhelmingly excited about the detox as I used to be. Maybe I just liked the newness of it, and now that's worn off. Maybe I've stopped taking it as seriously as I used to, and have found enough loopholes that it's not even a detox anymore. I've snuck in (half-cup-size) sips of lattes or espresso, but all in the name of quality control of course. It's my job. I have to drink it. And sure I can have that little bite of muffin because it's just a bite, it's not like I'm eating the whole thing or anything. And hey, my friend is in town, it'd be really rude not to go get a drink. I've worked the system well. Or failed the system. Sometimes I don't feel better at all; bloated, sleepy, grumpy, foggy, cynical. But I can't tell if it's the program itself that's not delivering or if it's the toxins I keep re-introducing into my body. Are toxins even real? Have I wondered about this being a mind game yet?

I just feel like I've hit a wall the past few days. I've felt sick, and therefore felt gypped because I didn't think that should happen on a cleanse. I miss the iron immune system I used to have, and spending normal amounts of time in the bathroom, and the nights when 8 hours of sleep was enough. I miss pizza and cookie dough and guiltless cups of coffee. I guess I miss the convenience of normal life, and the idea that dinner for one doesn't have to be a 2 hour production. Oddly, being forced to take my time and plan ahead and be conscious of what I was consuming (and why) was so exciting and one of my favorite things for the first half. Today I'd rather just throw a frozen dinner in the microwave and read a book.